28

Friday marked my 28th birthday. Although 28 isn't a traditionally momentous birthday, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'm going.

I blog a lot about my father and from anyone who knows me, that's no surprise, because I talk about him a lot too. Last year, my father passed less than a month before my 27th birthday. I was so consumed in the planning and arranging that his passing entailed, I'm not sure it really felt like he was gone when my birthday came around. I think I was still in shock, I still felt like he was on some lengthy business trip and would be calling to wish me a Happy Birthday any minute.

So when my birthday rolled around this past Friday, it was a very emotionally-fueled day for me. It felt like the first birthday my Dad had missed and his absence felt like the weight of a ton of bricks. Everything set me off, I spent a good chunk of my day in tears. It almost felt like I was watching myself from the outside, wondering, why on Earth I was so upset. I was an emotional runaway train and not much could stop it. After talking with my mom later in the day, I realized what my problem was - I missed my Dad and everything he did to make me feel special. I missed all the "little things." I'm not sure I will ever not miss the little things . . . but I hope to one day smile because they happened, instead of crying because they're gone. Until then, as they say, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Someone, probably my brother, reminded me that only 20 percent of my twenties now remain. That's kind of scary. Look, I'll be the first person to admit, 28 is not old, but it's not young either. With 30 just two years away, I think my goal this year is to take stock of what I've accomplished and what I have left to do, so I don't end up missing out on what I'm really after.

If you asked me ten years ago, where I thought I'd be today, I'm not entirely sure I would have had a great answer. A few things I am sure of though . . . I definitely thought I'd be married with a child by 30. I walked into college expecting I'd meet my future husband and then get married shortly after graduation. Clearly that was not in the cards for me. Some days I'm totally okay with that - I know I'm definitely not ready to have children - and I know being single has afforded me some great opportunities. I often think, if I had been married young, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to spend so much time with my parents as an adult. I spent a lot of weekends with my parents, vacationed with them, volunteered with them. I had the unique opportunity to spend such quality time with my Dad before he passed, that had I been married with my own family, I'm not sure I would have been so lucky.

As "okay" as I am with being single, at the same time, it's a lonely proposition. As more and more of my friends end up in relationships, engaged, and married, sometimes I do wonder, "What is wrong with me?" It's also become a bit of a chore to continually answer the lengthy questioning of family and friends, "Are you seeing anyone?" "Why not?" "Have you tried online dating?" No, if I knew I wouldn't be single, and not interested. And yes, I know the line, "A watched pot never boils." I know I can't worry about it, but sometimes it's not that easy. I suppose what I really need to do first, is to learn to love myself, so I can be more open to others . . .which leads me to this next revelation . . .

Body image has been a real issue for me over the years. If people could hear how I talk to myself about how I look, they'd probably be appalled. I think as a kid, I always assumed I'd get to a point where I was happy and comfortable with my body, but sadly, at 28, I'm still struggling. It amazes me how much a number on the scale can throw off my entire day, how compulsive I am about weighing myself, and how much I beat myself up about what, when, or how much I eat. I see a totally different person staring back at me in the mirror - she's fat, ugly, has huge arms, massive shoulders, it's really terrible. No matter how much I work out, no matter how far I can run, how much I can lift, or how athletic I might be, I still see a fat girl in the mirror. This could be an entire blog post in itself and it probably will be at some point, but suffice it to say, that my goal as I round out my twenties is to reach a place of acceptability when it comes to my body. I want to appreciate my body for all it can do instead of continually pointing out the negatives. I want to feel comfortable in who I am, regardless of what I weigh or don't weigh.

But, instead of lamenting on all the things I haven't accomplished yet...what are some things I have?

Well, I've been blessed to finally have an incredibly supportive and caring group of friends. I may not be the most popular person in the world, but I do have people I trust and can count on. People who love me regardless of what mood I might be in or how stressed out I can be. People who accept my flaws and encourage me on a regular basis. My dad always said, "You can count your real friends on one hand, " and as I've gotten older, I've come to realize how true that really is.

I have had the opportunity at 28 to travel the world. I've had the chance to see some amazing places, frame some beautiful photos, and share my travels with friends and family. I've seen more of the world in 28 years, than some people see their entire lives. For that I am truly blessed and grateful.

I've done well in school, completed my master's and been pretty successful in my career. I've had amazing career opportunities and there's more to come. I'm not sure what company I would have said I'd be working for if you asked me ten years ago, but I am very glad to be working for the one I do. I'm also really glad I figured out pretty quickly that living the life of Carrie Bradshaw was not for me. I've always done what has felt right and its paid off every time. I'm thankful for that. I've never shied away from an opportunity (which isn't to say I haven't needed a little push here and there) and have always been willing to try something new. It's made me a bit of a wanderer (which I also get from my father), but it's also made for a really exciting and interesting life.

I have a wonderful family - not many people can say their parents are their best friends, but I am blessed to say just that. I have hobbies and interests that keep me motivated (whether that's crossfit or running races or movies or the beach). I find time to give back and volunteer, which has helped immensely this past year.

So, at 28, things aren't perfect. They are far from it. I have bills, fights with family or friends, a sick puppy from time to time, so much stress I feel like my head might explode, and days where I am so overcome with grief about my Dad, all I can do is cry. But, I'm here. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make a difference in this life.

I'm still a work in progress, but at the end of the day, life is good and I'm going to spend the next two years, trying to make it even better, before I hit the next birthday milestone. Thanks for joining me on the ride.

Puppy Lessons

So it's June. Not really sure where this year has gone...hard to believe it's half over and what a half year it has been. Believe it or not, I'm already ready for 2014.

But with that said, one of the joys in my life, Finn, is growing like a weed! And boy what an education this little pup has given me. Let me share with you the lessons I've learned in just the past two and a half months Finn has graced me with his ever excited presence.

1. I am in no way ready to have children . . . like seriously - The first few weeks after bringing Finn home, I felt like a new parent. I was sleep deprived, getting up every couple of hours to let Finn out. I was cranky, stressed, wondering what was I thinking? I dealt with accidents, both small and large, chewed up shoes and other items, crying at night, the whole gambit. It was hard...it still is, although it's getting easier. He even whines! He makes the most childish noises, it's hilarious, but also incredibly frustrating! So while I do hope to have my own blessed little bundles of joy . . .one day . . . that day is no where near close!

2. Puppies = Friends - Let's be honest, Finn is the cutest dog ever. People yards away notice him and come running. If I had a penny for every time someone told me he was the "cutest dog I've ever seen." I'd be a million aware twice over. And as such, he's helped me to get to know my neighbors better. In fact, I think my neighbors know Finn better than they know me. The minute we walk out the door, I hear people shouting his name. He's a full blown celebrity.

3. No household item is safe - Although the chewing has subsided substantially, all items, small and large, were prey for Finn. Especially flip flops, underwear, bras, socks, sunglasses, the works. Even when I think I've put everything safely out of reach, Finn manages to sniff it out. Thank goodness he's growing out of this stage.

4. I need a bigger bed - I left Finn with my mother while I was on a work trip. When I came back, he was no longer a "sleep in your crate dog." Instead, she turned him into a "I must sleep in your bed dog." Let's just say I wasn't thrilled. Especially since Finn is a mover. He readjusts positions at least thirty times at night...we're trying to carve out one spot for him to stick too...it's working, slowly. But with that said, my mother has a queen bed, so it's much roomier than my little full. Needless to say, I'll be upgrading shortly.

5. When dogs disappear, they're usually up to no good - In fact, they're probably pooping, or chewing your underwear or bra, eating your computer cord. . . Moral of this little story, puppies are not trustworthy!

I can't say I've kept my cool through all of this. There have been moments where I've said to myself, "What the hell were you thinking?" But mostly, I really love this little guy. Especially when he gives you that look . . . you know the look. That's all I need to reaffirm why I brought this little man into my life afterall.

An Update on the Packing Saga

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm making a real valiant effort to be a savvy packer for my trip abroad in a mere 11 days. Here's an update on my successes/failures thus far:

1. I bought new luggage and actually got a great deal on it too. Quick sidebar: I went to Macy's, where they had a 50% off luggage sale. I ended up going for a Calvin Klein set (three pieces, big, medium, small). Together with a 25% friends and family coupon, a slew of giftcards (Thanks CS, LS, & TC), I ended up snagging more than $700 worth of luggage for only  . . . get ready for it  . . .  $200! I consider this a success, not just because of the awesome deal, but because I know have a matching set of luggage and a good sized check-in piece, plus a great little carry-on. Ok, it's not really a success, but I'm still excited about my new luggage . . . and wow, I'm excited about luggage.

2. I took a trip to the local Christmas Tree Shop which is essentially Mecca for all things travel-sized. I snagged some great little finds, like the perfect sized bottle of body wash. Simple pleasures my friends. I also had a great 20% off coupon, so that didn't hurt.

3. I've slowly started to make a pile of things I need to pack - My goal is to do a test run next week.

4. I've tested out how much lotion, contact solution, etc. I REALLY need for two weeks and am now taking about a third of what I normally take on a trip. This has to make a difference, right?

5. I've almost convinced myself that it's impossible to bring my scale with me. When I told my best friend Lindsay about this, she said, "wow Amanda, that's so weird." So I guess I really shouldn't do it, but I'm still on the hunt for a light weight-travel scale. Should one exist, it's mine.

6. I suppose this is somewhat of a failure - One of my coworkers asked me to play tennis in Madrid...which is awesome, but now requires me to pack my tennis racket. I suppose I could not be a tennis snob and rent a racket in Spain, but I feel like I should bring my own. This could put a real wrench in my packing - we shall see.

Just a quick update. Still can't believe I have 11 days left to make it all work!